When I, once a boulder, became the river — 39/100

I’ve been reading Deepak Chopra’s The Book of Secrets in the mornings. He writes about universal laws of life, our egos, spirituality, what it means to live consciously.

A couple days ago, I read a chapter about time, how there is no time but now (secret #12). In it, he described the ways we misuse time. This is what he said:

• Being anxious about the future
• Reliving the past
• Regretting old mistakes
• Reliving yesterday
• Anticipating tomorrow
• Racing against the clock
• Brooding over impermanence
• Resisting change

I bolded the ones I feel are most relevant to me.

I realized I feel like I race against the clock every time I remember how old I am, how long it took me to get through college, how long it took me to get to where I am. I feel like I’m making up for lost time, wasted time. And that causes me to look forward, and anticipating how I’m going to live my future to make up for my past.

Except, I don’t think that’s how it works. I don’t think there’s anything we can do to affect what happened in the past. There’s nothing I can do to resolve the feeling of lost time.

Later that day, I found myself at the gym, in the stationary bike room alone. I had music going in my earphones, sweat layering my body, and my mind on auto-pilot, enjoying the movement of push and pull.

I got to thinking about what I had read earlier. And I asked myself and the universe, If you (the universe) are always going the path of least resistance, going with the flow, why did I end up where I am? Why does it feel like I’ve gone through the most resistance, the most obstacles, the most time-wasting?

I was basically steeping in a soft (soft because I wasn’t angry about it) dissatisfaction of my journey. I was unhappy with the way things turned out, in a way. I mean, I love where I was, who I am today, and nothing could make me wish to live another person’s life. And it’s not like the things that happened in my life were so damn hard, to be honest.

But there’s still a part of me that regrets deeply my path, the seemingly needless way it meandered, dawdled, lagged. Why why why.

As I bent over the handles, legs churning up an invisible hill, I felt the realization –

I was the resistance. I was the resistance and the universe went the way of least resistance — around me, above me, to the side of me.

I was the damn boulder in the middle of the freaking river of life.

As undesiring (not a real word lol) as I was about accepting that I had been the problem, I let the truth permeate. There’s no other way.

I remembered being so lost in my mind, so confused, so judgmental about life, so given over to the external norms, expectations, and rules all throughout high school and early 20’s. How could I have gone down the path of least resistance when I couldn’t let myself be free to go with the universe’s current?

I realized I had spent the last several years completely undoing myself, breaking down everything I thought, believed, was.

I was the freaking resistance. And I was so good at it. I would not let the universe do its thing.

So, the universe did its thing. It gave me time and space. It continued to flow around me, wearing me down to nothing — not by force or agenda, but by nature. Truth became more and more apparent, expectations and external factors became less and less real.

Until finally, the boulder of ego, fear, and finite-ness dissolved. And all that was left was the river and I became the river.

And this is where I am today.

On that bike, I made the discovery that my life isn’t lagging or inadequate. I realized I was always on the path of least resistance, just — the universe knew it better than I did.

That felt so good I did a happy dance while on the bike. Nothing feels better than to know I’m not doing this alone, that the best is unfolding for me, in its time. Because I don’t want to be no boulder.

Originally published at gracejyk.com on June 7, 2017.