The process — 50/100

I turned off the lights. I pulled back the covers, slowly lowered myself on my bed, and laughed to myself saying, I think there’s something I’m forgetting to do… Whatever!

And then I remember the 100 day challenge. Hahaha.

My life.

So here I am.

Another day.

There are so many moments in the day when I think to myself — I don’t know what I’m doing.

Looking back, I can see it’s been an entire process. I was not even aware. I could see that so much as changed. I simply got up every day and showed up. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing back then. But I kept going. And now I’m here. Knowing more, becoming more, and still not knowing what the hell anything in this moment. But I know, I’ll look back and see that I was learning and growing and becoming in this moment.

One thing is for sure. There’s no looking back. Nope. It’s not that it can’t happen. It just doesn’t. Because I’ve trusted the process while in the process and now looking back, I see the process has been true to itself. And that allows me to trust it even more. Even in my not knowing now. Am I crazy or what? Lol.

As I go through my day, it’s a trip. I feel like I’m not doing enough. I use my public accounting days as my baseline and obviously I’m not as busy, not on a time crunch. And for some reason, that worries me. Ha!

When I was working, I was worried I was letting precious time slide by, not investing in myself. Now that I’m out of it, I’m worried I’m not working hard like I used to.

I’m coming to understand that’s the conditioned mind. It’s the mind that is laden with expectations, assumptions about who I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to, and how I’m supposed to do it. I worry, doubt, and fear based on the idea that I have to work hard, work endlessly, slave away to make something of myself and this life.

I forget that my heart and soul are the drivers of life, of my passions. That they must be solid and whole and attended to to live the life I really want to live. I really want to do more than survive. I really want to thrive.

And I tell myself every day that, it may not seem like it, but I’m creating the life I want to live. I work on myself, I understand myself better, give myself grace and compassion, and seek tools and resources that allow me to invest in myself so I can grow the I want.

It’s only been 3 months since my job… damn. That’s a trip. It feels like a lifetime. Feels like an eternity. It feels like it was never part of my life. Like I don’t know it. It doesn’t belong. It’s not me. Hahah. Very dramatic.

Because here I am. Living from a completely different place, headed to a completely different destination, operating from a completely different mindset and outlook. I don’t know how it happened. Maybe I don’t need to. I will simply let time and the universe unfold for me. I will watch what happens when I let go. It’s only the scariest thing in the whole world. But I’ll do it. Because there doesn’t seem to be another way to do it, to live this life. At least for me.

Is there anyone else out there that feels the same?

Originally published at gracejyk.com on June 22, 2017.