My massive crush — 46/100
I have a massive crush on someone. I’m sharing with the Facebook and WordPress worlds because he doesn’t exist in either of them. Thank God, right? I can spill my thoughts without worrying about him stumbling on them.
Or maybe I want him to find them. But only when I’m ready.
I have categorized this crush as massive because of how much I enjoy being around him. And also because of how much I know it won’t work. Hahah we all want the things we can’t and don’t have, right?
How much more the sense of longing when the possibility of it working out seems so perfect and so impossible?
I don’t mean to be cheesy ahaha. I just mean to be real.
I don’t regret anything, I don’t wish it was otherwise.
He singlehandedly made me realize, feel, and acknowledge the feminine side of me, the side that wants to be the center of his attention, the side that wouldn’t mind being a little domesticated aka learning to cook. He made me feel like I’m not only valuable as a person, but also seen as a woman, not only seen as a woman, but enjoyed as a friend.
How could I wish away this experience?
I know I’m being very dramatic. And I feel super vulnerable. HA!
But staring at the blank blog entry, this was the first thing that came up. As much as I want to pretend my feelings and thoughts don’t exist, or exist to a lower degree, I know, after many many years of denying them, that it never works. So I’m coming clean. Just as I am.
And yeah. Here I am.
I feel like a little girl sometimes, with this “massive” crush. But at the same time I feel… whole. Because as much as I appreciate this human being, as much as I’m admitting one of the hardest things in this life to deal with — emotions, I know I’m okay. I’m better than okay. I’m not falling off my rocker like I did with my ex.
I respect the friendship, the connection more than anything. I can live without the romantic aspect — this human being is a keeper for life, know what I mean? Those are rare. And we talk about it as well, that we’ll know each other for a very long time, in the purest way.
And I believe he respects the friendship as well. I believe he respects me as a person and woman. I believe he sees me in the best light, wants the best for me. And I can receive that kind of attention and care without attaching them to emotions. I think that’s the greatest part.
The freedom.
The complete freedom I have in this moment of crushing. Usually, crushing is a serious matter of hoping, wishing, waiting for our paths to cross, for a text message, for any sort of opportunity. But it seems like our paths cross without trying, our texts are brief and void of bullshit flirting, and the opportunities to connect make themselves available at the right times, in the right moments.
I’m neither pulling nor pushing. I’m chilling. I’m enjoying it. I’m enjoying what it means to me, I’m enjoying what I’m learning about myself. I’m enjoying feeling… without the normal emotional distress.
As much as I want what I don’t have, I also don’t want what’s not mine. So I’m free. I wouldn’t touch something that’s not mine with a ten-foot pole. I would never run after something that wasn’t meant for me. I’m the most satisfied simply knowing I’m capable of appreciating someone like this. Of being appreciated like this as well.
I feel whole. I am happy. I wouldn’t trade this for anything.
Happy Friday.
P.S. I published this post, then deleted it because I imagined it being read by him. That was scary. But then, I realized, this is what it is. And that’s all. Nothing more, nothing less. So here it is.
Originally published at gracejyk.com on June 17, 2017.
