Kissing

I shared a couple weeks ago that I’m exploring something very close to me, something I never thought was something to even wonder about or question: my sexuality.

Since then, it’s been a very interesting ride of putting language to my feelings and experiences.

Sometimes, I’m at a loss of words and I need to back up a second to gather my thoughts, to even gather my wits at times.

Being speechless isn’t a normal experience for me.

But something about this whole… thing has me humbled. Deeply humbled.

I guess perhaps, I thought this exploration thing was going to be an external thing. What would it be like to date a woman, be next to a female body, hold hands, etc.?

I’ve found that it’s actually an adventure into me.

I’ve found that it’s about how much I want to surrender.

It’s more about how much I’m willing to know about me, of me, in me.

And I’ve found that I’m more than willing. I’m curious, I’m eager.

Not because it’s a novelty. Not because I want to try different things.

Both are valid. But they’re not what’s up, what’s happening.

Because I’ve found that there’s a universe within.

I’ve found that I am more than I thought. Not Grace, necessarily.

But more to being human, to being a soul than I’d thought.

There’s someone who has been an integral part of this adventure. I’m not sharing names — yet. Some know, most don’t. Not important at this moment, though it is most definitely who she is and how she is that really makes this writing come alive for me.

And there was an integral moment.

One in which I found myself pressed up against her car. Whoo. That makes me nervous, just to write that.

One in which I found myself so close to a type of human that I never thought I’d be that close to, ever.

One in which I found myself feel the freedom flow.

One in which I found myself answering a call, a beckoning.

One in which I found myself losing myself.

Closer

and closer

and closer

until we touched.

And it was the sweetest thing.

To find that it wasn’t about anything else but desire.

Connection.

The moment.

There was nothing else to do but to fall into it, lean into it.

And find labels drift away.

Find the concept of gender dissipate.

Find the concept of anything float into the air.

Everything but the truth of desire, of depth of souls intertwined, of the nakedness of what it means to be human remained.

And I found that desire is desire is desire.

Connection is connection is connection.

I found that it’s not about the body parts, about the names we give things.

I found that this is not where I turn gay.

Where my life turns upside down, inside out.

No, this is where I turn inside out.

And I come into me.

Where there is no fear,

no worry,

no judgment.

This is where freedom lives.

In me.

With me.

Through me.

And I got lucky enough to trust.

Lucky enough to let go.

Lucky enough to go, just go.

Lucky enough to be.

That kiss was more than lips touching.

That kiss was truth, to me. Or part of it.

That kiss is not just about a kiss.

It was about the anthem of life.

Of surrender.

The story of my life.

Perhaps, the story of yours.