I’m a brand new tube of toothpaste — 59/100

Hi!

I haven’t been writing. I feel like I’m squeezing out posts to complete the 100 day challenge and I feel like this sometimes:

I sort of beat myself up. Like damn Grace, you have nothing to say. And you’re so not undisciplined.

But then, I realized — I have a lot to say. I just don’t know how to say it. At least not right now.

I’ve been learning a ton, about myself, about life, about this crazy journey. The only thing I know is that I know nothing. And so I keep going, trusting that everything I need and want is within me and it’s a matter of jumping into life in a way that I am able to know by experience, not by theory. I know this is so vague ahah but there’s a lot, I promise. It’s a matter of time unpacking these things and watching them evolve over time.

So after some reflecting, I realized, this is actually me:

Just look at that, so many things to say haha! And it’s not even just about the content itself. It’s how to say it. It’s how I feel about what I’m saying. It’s how I feel vulnerable sharing things I’ve kept my mouth shut about for a while.

As much as I’ve opened up especially in the past year, becoming more comfortable with sharing myself, opening myself up to what others think, it’s always a trip to let myself be. Before, it was mostly with myself. Now, it’s with people around me, the way I present myself. Because I don’t really feel 100% complete until I can say that who I am within is who I am outside. Maybe that’s an ambitious statement, and surely not everyone has this standard for herself.

But I know what I want and that’s to be completely honest, first with me, and with anyone that cares to listen/read.

One of my friends called me out saying I complain too much about not having things to write. I can see what he means. And I don’t want to do that anymore. So I decided to redesign the challenge. I’m not going to try to squeeze out the rest of the 41 posts consecutively.

Each day, I’m going to ask myself if there’s anything I want to share. My goal is still to write every day. But I don’t want the main thing to simply be reaching a word count and daily posting. I want the main thing to be an inspired expression of thought, ideas, and experiences, know’msayin’?

Call me cheater or quitter. I accept both or either. Perhaps there was a lesson for me to attain at the end of a grueling 100 days. I pass. I like the lesson I’m learning right now — that I have a choice in what I do and how I feel. I could continue to feel useless and a failure at my own damn challenge. Or I could reassess and determine a way around it. And actually, I’m really proud of myself getting this far hahah. I’ve never been one to actually complete things. I’m a good starter, not a great finisher. But this time, I. will. finish. On my terms. Hahaha!

So kudos to me all around. I’m still going, I will reach the 100 posts in however many days it takes me. I appreciate everyone that reads my verbal diarrhea. You have NO idea what it does to me to know that what I write is read by other human beings than myself (I reread what I wrote a few times after I post it for some reason). And you have NO idea what it does to me when you tell me what you think. I freaking LOVE. So thank you. And for everyone who reads and doesn’t tell me what they think, thank you!!! I appreciate all y’all MF’ers.

Bye!

Originally published at gracejyk.com on July 7, 2017.