I wrote a letter to my future self — 57/100

This is a letter I wrote on June 11th, 2014 sent to future Grace on June 11th, 2016. I reread it again today and am now sharing it — or parts of it. There are parts that I don’t think speak well of myself and others so I’m censoring that, for my own benefit. I didn’t censor cuss words because it doesn’t benefit me to do so. Bold italicized text is my response today.

Dear FutureMe,

You are a crazy motherfucker. Hahaha. Not really crazy in the world’s view. Just… nuts in your own way.

Sometimes I don’t think you know how to give a shit. You’ve changed so much in the past year… who the hell are you? [It’s not sometimes anymore. It’s all the time. Or better, I know what I should give a shit about and what to let go.]

Do you know who you are today? As you’re reading the words of you, yet not you? Would you recognize me? Would I recognize you?

Do you know that as I’m writing this I walked away from a 4-year private love affair with the idea of the “perfect” somebody who ended up [not being who you thought he was]?

Do you regret it? Because even though I don’t, I realize how FOOLISH, foolish foolish naïve I was. So naïve. So unnecessary. So needless. I could have handled it so differently. Been more real. But no. I was what I was. And honestly, I’m not proud of it. [No regrets. All lessons learned.]

Do you know that you had something going with another guy, [XXXX]? But timing was bad, he was going through his own stuff, or that was his excuse. Do you know that you never met another person like him before? That you and he CLICK. It’s fucking nuts. [In hindsight, our connection wasn’t thatttt crazy hahaha. Since this guy, I’ve had crazier.]

Do you mind that I cuss? Will you still be cussing? Very interesting… [I don’t mind. And yes.]

How was Barcelona? That’s just crazy right there. All our lives… never having our green cards. Life is crazy, is it not? [It is. Completely. Korea, Cambodia, and Thailand were amazing as well, especially Korea.]

Are you still a virgin? Are you dating? Are you still single? Right now, I’ve been single too long. Toooo long. 5 years? Ugh. Too crazy. If you are still single or not even dating anyone… you better get on it. [No, sort of, sort of. I’m on it.]

Online dating is cool if you’re not me. Hahah. [I’ve been on Coffee Meets Bagel, Tinder, and Hinge since hahaha. Life, right? I’ve met some cool people through these apps. Glad I tried.]

Are you still an angry child? Do you still get pissed at the stupidest shit? Do you? Because it’s not cool. I hope you’re healed in terms of Mom, Dad, and Jed. I hope you’re not so damn angry anymore. [Yep, I’m in a way different place since. I’m less angry, in my opinion… less bothered by trivial things.]

How’s you and Stef? You know she’s like your soulmate right? If one of you was a male, you guys would be married now. Hahaha that’s how we see it today. Lol. [Considered deleting this hahaha but really. It’s nice to see a good constant in my life.]

Grace. You are beautiful. I don’t know it yet. I am still insecure. But I’m hoping, hoping hoping that I learn the truth. And I let it take me. Because I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to hesitate in life. I want to be free. I want to free others. I want to just keep living, breathing, loving, laughing. [Hahaha. Toooooo crazy. How did I know to want the things I’ll have and become??]

Do you still laugh a lot? Don’t stop. Don’t stop. Sometimes it’s all you have. [Have not stopped. Truly is all I have at times. I love it.]

Do you still love dancing? Do you know that you turn on the music and dance in the kitchen while the family is chilling? Do you know sometimes you turn on the music in the dining room and have a dance party by yourself? [Some things don’t change. And they shouldn’t.]

Do you think that’s weird? [I’m too far gone to think it’s weird.]

What church are you going to? TKC? If you are, do you like it? How’s that going? Right now, I’m feeling a tad frustrated. A tad annoyed. But I have so much to learn. So much to grow. It scares me sometimes. But… it’s where I am, ya know? Hahah. [Not attending church at the moment. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Not saying that in spite or resentment or anything negative. I’m not saying I’ll never go back. I’m in a good place, evidenced by growth, freedom, happiness, and peace.]

If you’re not going to TKC, where are you going? How’d you get there? Are you serving? ARE YOU GETTING FED? Because right now I’m not really getting fed. Yeah. That’s become pretty standard lol. Please don’t be okay with it. Please leave if you’re not getting fed. Life is too short to not get fed. You need it. Grace, get what you need and want. You don’t stand for other people’s needs and wants. Do you, boo. [Deleted sentence that doesn’t make sense to me and doesn’t serve this paragraph.] It will all follow. I promise. [Crazy how… I knew everything will be okay. In the moment of decision and momentum, I experience so much worry and doubt and fear. But I realize now, more than ever, that I do know what’s up. I don’t know everything, I don’t know the results. I just know this much and it’s so much more than enough.]

Grace, I hope you know you’re great. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing. You’re great. I don’t even have to know what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re with, to know that you. Can you believe it with me? I want the best for you so I will work my ass off today to get you where you are today (as you’re reading this). So whatever you’re doing, don’t stop. Because no matter where you are right now, it was worth it for me. It was worth everything.

You’re awesome. When people say it to you, I hope you’re able to accept and thank them without skipping a beat. Because when you acknowledge the truth, it’s a beautiful thing. A truly beautiful thing. Like you. [Yep, I’ve gotten much much better than receiving because I believe it. I’m just agreeing with them agreeing with who I am.]

Anyway. Thank you for being where you’re at. Thank you for never stopping. Thank you for being everything I wanted to be. [You’re so welcome. Thanks for believing in me.]

Have a beautiful ass day. You deserve it. [I did.]

Love,

younger you [Why wasn’t this capitalized? Bothers me for some reason.]

I’m humbled. Seriously. I’m a bit floored by how much I know, how much I knew. How sure I am about things. How much I believe in myself, in my future self, even when I have a hard time believing in myself at the time of writing this letter. It’s incredible to me. It doesn’t make sense. And it makes perfect sense.

I see how things unfold, how things flow, and how I don’t have to fear. It only gets better, higher, deeper, greater. There is only learning and growing. There is only the next glory to behold. As long as I fulfill the requirement of showing up every day — completely, fully, freely, fearlessly.

The trajectory cannot be stopped. I can’t stop what’s in motion. I just keep going. I keep trusting. I keep being open. The results are incredible. Unbelievable. Life is a dream, an absolute dream.

Anyone else look back and realize how good life is? How good life has been to you?

Originally published at gracejyk.com on July 2, 2017.