An epiphany on love and myself (but more about myself) — 27/100

Feelings are such interesting things. They have lives of their own, it seems like.

Especially when it comes to the romantic, chemistry kind.

It’s interesting to me that I go on dates, actively putting myself out there for the purpose of meeting someone who might intrigue and attract me, and yet, I find that I am most moved and drawn toward people I meet in real life unexpectedly.

The last two guys I considered interesting enough to pursue were met in-person — one in a bar, one in a coffee shop. Sounds super cute until circumstances reveal it’s not ideal to pursue a relationship. The friendships continue regardless — the connection is still real and valid, just not in the romantic sense I guess.

Life is crazy, isn’t it? This whole thing really just goes to show the imperativeness of timing. Timing is everything.

Because even if the circumstances allow, I’m not sure I’m in the right place to get into a relationship. There are so many factors in it and I feel like it’s too simplistic but I feel like there are still things I want to do, places I want to go, people I want to meet.

I wonder though, if I’m afraid to let the other person in, to change things up. I wonder if I’m afraid to give too much. I wonder if I don’t trust the other person to respect and empower and build what I truly am, not just the romantic component. Does that make sense?

I guess, in a way, I feel like I’ll be ready to be in the relationship once I’m more established in my life, unwavering in not only what I am, but in what I’ve contributed. I don’t want anything to move me from that. That’s what I know for sure. I just wonder if I’m not forgiving enough in that way. Maybe I need to trust a little more? Because I definitely don’t think I do haha.

Perhaps I’m naive in the sense that I’m waiting for the “perfect” moment. There is no such thing, I think.

I’m realizing right now, that my lack of trust in the other person to preserve and help maintain my goals, desires, and path is actually a lack of trust in myself. Because I’m placing the burden of seeing my path through in another person.

But that’s not true. The responsibility of living my life the way it’s meant to be lived is in me, it is me.

Hmm. That’s a thought. It makes me realize that perhaps I am naive in my thinking, of shying away from relationships in order to keep my shit together. Because in the end, I decide what works or not, and I decide how to shift and go with the current.

I need to trust myself to let myself go. And I need to trust the universe that the flow is right. Because, looking back, the flow has always been right, even if I wasn’t. Every time, all the time.

That takes away the fear, the doubt, and hesitation. I simply need to go with the universe. I simply need to let go. I’d actually really like to.

Kay, Universe, I’m here. Let’s go. Let’s do this thing. I’m letting go of fear. I’m trusting myself and I’m trusting you.

Originally published at gracejyk.com on May 26, 2017.