28 with a ship — 14/100

I’m turning 28 in a couple weeks. Damn.

I’m turning 28 in a couple weeks. Damn again.

Hahaha. I had to say it twice.

People that are 40+ say I’m “so young!”

People that are <21 say I’m “so old!”

People between 21 and 39 don’t say much about it.

I’m honestly not sure how I feel about this. It’s just another year and it’s another year.

When I say Damn, I can’t tell if it’s a Damn that’s tight or a Damn whaaaat.

I feel like I have so much I want to do. And as I near the end of what’s supposed to be my prime, I’m conflicted. Because I feel like my journey thus far has been so freaking perfect. Seriously.

Simultaneously, I feel like I haven’t done everything I could have.

It’s a weird weird paradox. I’m grateful but wistful. Pensive but excited.

It’s definitely humbling. I have everything in me to go after everything. I know I do. I believe it, like I believe for everyone else. But I know I haven’t shown that in all of its entirety. I know I’ve held back here and there, procrastinated a bit, thought a nanosecond too long about things.

I think, more than anything, I feel super human. No, not superhuman. I feel super human. Hahaha.

In the current of hours flowing into days, days into months, months into years, and in the process of watching years turning into decades, I feel closer to earth and my heart, and more at home than ever before.

Even with the thought that I might be “missing” something, even more fundamental than the possibility that I need to be doing “more”, even then, my everything knows I am living a perfect life, filled with good people, great experiences, and oceans of peace. I am humbled that in the end, this is what it boils down to, no matter what I’m struggling with.

And even more, there’s a part of me that goes — Struggle? What struggle? Life is a freaking party and I’ve just arrived — Hahahaha.

This is my life, my friend. So much paradox.

I love it. I freaking love it. Teehee.

I love that I have a story to tell. And I have still more story to tell… and even more, I have more story to write. Perhaps I realized it late in my life, but I realize now that life isn’t a crap shoot. In certain aspects, it is — genetics, environment, upbringing, etc. But in a much greater and profound way, it’s not.

Initially, it was the most daunting thing, to realize that because it meant I had a responsibility for my destiny and path. It meant that my desires and decisions actually make a difference.

But as I got more familiar with it, I realized it was the greatest gift, to know that I am not a substance meant to toss and sway with the current wherever which way it goes. I am not the culmination of those things I couldn’t help.

I lived in that helplessness until about a year ago. I would ask God to open doors, to show me what I need to do, where I need to go. And I would sit in the silence waiting for clue on how to live this life.

Somehow, sometime in Korea last year, I realized he had given me a damn ship and I was sitting in harbor, anchored, waiting for direction. I realized I had oars to muscle through, sails to fill with the right winds, and a rudder to steer with. All of a sudden, I felt like a dumbass.

I felt like a dumbass but I also felt empowered and ruthless, in a way of pursuing what’s rightfully mine. I was an empowered and ruthless dumbass. Hahaha.

I’m turning 28 in a couple weeks. Damn.

That sounds good. Not a moment sooner, not a moment late. I feel more ready than when I started this post, for some reason haha. It’s such a freaking journey, no short cuts, no hacks, no excuses. Just massive kickassery in the form of acceptance, integrity, fearlessness, movement, and peace.

Originally published at gracejyk.com on May 13, 2017.